June 12, 2005

Hello my darling,

I am still having such a lovely time with you. You are three and a half weeks old now. You still dont interact much....you do look at me...and respond to my voice. You definitely respond when you get close to my chest. I guess your nose recognizes me. It should be just a week or two for a first smile. I cant wait.

I took you out to breakfast today at Wolfgangs to meet auntie gails parents, since auntie gails mother made a blankie especially for you. She loved meeting you and holding you. Everybody loves you. How could they not?

Yesterday I took you to Target to buy a breast pump. I am not sure why, but you cried and screamed for most of the trip over there. I am just beside myself anyway when you cry, because I cant stand to see you in pain or lack what you need, but I had tried to fix your problems while we were still at home, it wasnt food, wasnt your diaper, wasnt a burp.....and then you stopped crying so we left. You looked freaked out when we got to the store but you werent crying so we went in. As soon as we got to the heart of the store you started shrieking.

Of course, you just met me, but if you had known me for the last 15 or 20 years you would know that there has never been a more irritating sound to me than a baby crying. Like nails on a chalkboard. Of course, your crying doesnt bother me, since its you, and I love you more than anything else on the planet. But I am thinking of offending all the other shoppers, and now I am the one causing the noise and disturbance.

So I am totally freaked out. I cant pick out what I was going to buy and I didnt know if I should leave or just buy the stuff and run because I didnt want to come back. I couldnt even read the packaging I was so panicked. I was begging you to stop, and you were SO loud. I managed to shh.shhh.shh. you, which you seem to like, I actually do it all the time to help you go to sleep, and I had to put the tip of my thumb in your mouth which you also like, and then I had to push the cart with one hand, and keep my thumb in your mouth going shhhh.shhhh.shhhh all through the store. I even had to pay with one hand, because I was terrified you would start screaming again. You caused quite a stir sucking my thumb though. Everybody I passed thought it was the cutest thing they had ever seen in the world. But I just had to get out of there as quickly as possible...

You seem to be getting better with your screaming through the night thing. I changed my whole diet, to basically nothing but bread and pasta...(ick), and I also learned some new burping techiques, so I am not sure which one it is, but I am not going to change a thing because you seem much happier.

I am going to go to work this week, and ask if they mind if I extend my maternity leave for three months instead of six weeks. I doubt they will have a problem with that. First of all, your infancy is such a tiny blip on my life radar, I dont want to miss a second of it. I cant stand to be away from you, at all.

Second, I am the only one that can feed you right now, and I really dont want it any other way.

Third, you are still not on a schedule or sleeping through the night, and I dont think you will be in three weeks (or 2 1/2), which might drive a babysitter to drink, so I want to get that sorted out prior to hiring help.

The other night I made the mistake of looking through photos of me and your father. It sent me into something of a tailspin. I havent seen him in over seven months, and havent spoken to him in over four....and truth be told, I miss him terribly. I was deeply and madly in love with him. Unfortunately I was in love with what he was pretending to be, and not with who he really was. A wolf in sheeps clothing....but unfortunately for me, that doesnt make my love any less real, or my pain any less real, or my heartbreak any less real.

I think about him all the time. I try tricks to stop thinking of him, but its like photos flash through my mind. I dont know what makes them come up because it doesnt always have relevance to what I am doing or thinking at the time, but I will suddenly remember us in Amsterdam, or Belgium, or at a restaurant in Miami, or in our home in Miami, or our home in Barcelona.

I try to remember the bad times, to help me carry on, because I know I can never see him or speak to him again. Especially with you here. I need to protect you from his sickness at all costs. But its very difficult to only remember the bad times, because the good times with him were so great, and I really doubt I will ever have that again as long as I live. Like I said, it doesnt make my heartbreak any less real.

One of the pictures I keep seeing in my mind, is the look on his face when he walked in and saw me packing my bags. For a split second I saw his hurt so clearly. I'll never forget it, and I will always wonder if there was something underneath his facade. I will never know because I cant allow anyone to hurt me or you.

So, for what its worth, I loved your father more than I have ever loved any other man, without question. I was faithful to him in mind, body, and spirit. I wanted to be with him forever. He was a wonderful great man, and I am so deeply sorry that you will never meet him.

I am telling you this, so you know where you came from, and why I am not with your father anymore, and also because I cant tell anyone else because I am supposed to hate him for what he did to me, and unfortunately I cant hate him, and I will probably always love him, or at least what he pretended to be.

June 6, 2005

My darling Brielle

As I write this you are cuddled up in a little bouncy chair from Uncle Kevin (inherited from your cousin Aiden). You seem to like it, although right now you are sideways at the bottom, and you are so tiny that you fit. I love watching you sleep. You curl up against your little fist. You like to lay on your side, fetal.

Last night you screamed from about one am to four am or so. I was pretty well rested from the night before so I managed to stay awake with you the whole time. It must be hard enough for you to be new to the world and trying to figure out whats up, and then to be in that much pain.

I have been researching colic on the internet. Apparently colic is a catch all term that doctors use when they dont know what is wrong with a baby. So I am going to eliminate all potential problems from my diet starting tomorrow, including caffeine, and then do that for two weeks and see if you are better. Then I can start adding things back in. So I am going to have a rough two weeks. I am not sure how I can stay up all night, and not drink coffee, so I guess I will just sleep all day with you. :)

You peed all over my lap today. The preemie diapers still dont fit you well enough, and when you were on your back it just came pouring out. Incidentally it did the same thing to Uncle Dennis a week or so ago, which I thought was hysterical. Anyway, I called up Uncle Kevin to help me hook up my washer/dryer and we took a trip to the hardware store. Then my boobs starting leaking (even though I had pads in), right in the store and I had to take you to the car and hide. Good times.

Your great grandma Hengeveld sent you a card yesterday with $25 big ones in it. Perhaps I should start a college fund.....or I could buy diapers since you are a pooping machine. :)

Your fathers mother sent my mom (your grandma Hengeveld) an email the other day, wanting to know if you were born. We have no idea what to tell her. Grandma hasnt responded yet. I need to check with attorneys to make sure no one is going to take me away from you, and as soon as we know you are safe, we can tell your fathers family. I think they will be very excited.

I am not sure how your father will respond, but he is a very sick man, and his sickness makes him incapable of loving. But I think his family will make up for his sickness and my family will more than make up for it. You have plenty of daddys in your uncles and grandpas.

My body is pretty much healed from labor, although I am still pretty fat compared to when I got pregnant in Spain. I am pouring myself into my jeans, which is quite unattractive, but I cant bear to wear maternity clothes every again. Even if I ever gave you a brother or sister, I think I would wear dresses the whole time.

I think my stitches are pretty well healed as well, my uterus seems to be going back where it belongs, but it is still out there a bit. Three and half more weeks of the "postpartum" period. and I should be good to go. I need to start walking with you. You have been screaming your head off when I put you in the sling, so I am afraid to try again. It supposedly helps colic though, so your little butt is going in there for three hours tomorrow.

Grandma H thinks you need to go to the chiropractor from your rough ride through the birth canal. Could be, you looked pretty banged up, and coneheaded. I could use one myself. I will look into that for us.

I know I said I would tell you about labor and delivery, and the hospital stay, but I still dont want to rehash the pain too much at this point. I will get to it, and we have most of it on video anyway for your viewing pleasure. That should ensure that I am never a grandma. :)

Love you more than anything in the world my sweet.
your mommy

June 5 2005

My dear gorgeous Brielle.

My mother recommended I keep a diary of how I am feeling, how things are going with you, and little things that happen during our days together.

You are less than three weeks old, and already your changes are remarkable, and if I dont record what happens, unfortunately it will slip into oblivion as every new day is such an exciting event, that i dont remember the little things that happened last week.

The last two and a half weeks have been absolutely wonderful. Its true what they say about not knowing love until you have a child. I can stare at you for hours. I watch you sleep. I watch you nurse, with your little hand wrapped around mine, or your hand clutching my shirt or breast. You are the most beautiful person I have ever seen. I just love you so much I cant really stand it.

I am afraid to drive now because I cant bear the thought of anything bad happening to you. Your uncle Dennis is even afraid to drive with you in the car. I heard a tornado warning today on the radio and it totally freaked me out because I didnt know where to take you that you would be safe. Interestingly I was never in my life afraid for my own safety in such circumstances.

This time I have with you is so precious. The first week or so, you were kind of out of it. You really only slept. (and screamed at night) Now, you are two weeks and three days old. You are so much more alert. You make more eye contact with me. Sometimes you even stare at me. And you turn to the sound of my voice when someone else is holding you.

You love your music. I am playing music for you in French, Spanish, Chinese, Japanese, and Portugeuse. I want to get more, but we are quite broke. Particularly French, since your father is French, and you may want to live in France someday. So I play your music and you become content and stare at me or other things, and I sing to you. In fact, your father also had a love of music that far surpassed mine. I wondered while I was pregnant if you would "inherit" his love of music.....maybe you just dig it because you are a baby.

Everybody loves you. They all say you are beautiful, but what else will you tell a new mom? :) Your grandma absolutely adores you. Your grandpa wants me to come visit with you in two weeks even though they will be here in three. Your uncle Kevin is crazy about you, and gives you sweet little kisses on your head. Your aunt Julie and Gail are also nuts about you, and cant wait to hold you and give you love. They will try to wake you up even if its your nap time, just to get some time with you.

You have been trying my patience at night. you poor poor thing, must have had trouble pooping. I have been up for almost two weeks straight. Your grandma spent a week with me after I got out of the hospital, and she was so frustrated, but she rocked you all night long to try to help me recover. You scream and scream until you are hoarse. Maybe its more of a shriek. Anyway, you are obviously in pain, and that is hell for me, especially when I cant do a damn thing about it. I can feel my own stomach problems coming on from the stress.....but hopefully its over. Uncle Dennis went on a midnight pharmacy run the other night to get you "gas drops" which seem to help, and you have been going like a champ, and actually slept (without pain) all night last night, waking only to eat. So, please tell me you wont hurt like that anymore, because I cant take it. I would take any pain for you if I could, its insane to watch you cry like that.

You are sleeping quietly now. You are unbelievably gorgeous. You have so much hair, I play with it and stroke it while you nurse. And its so dark. Your father is pretty blond, and I was blond as a kid, and Kevins kids are all white blond, so I guess I expected you to be blond, and I cant be happier that you came out brunette. We will see if that changes in a few months.

And you are tiny tiny tiny. 6 pounds at birth, and only 5lb 8 oz when I took you home. As of last Wed, you were 6lb 5oz, so you are gaining weight at a great clip, (and I feel it too, I am constantly starving), but in the meantime, I still have you in preemie diapers (aunt gail got me hooked on those after a few leaky fiascos with newborn diapers), and aunt julie bought you some preemie clothes right after I took you home, thank goodness because everything else is just huge on you. But like I said, you are growing so fast, I can see it in your cheeks, your hands, your legs, everywhere (except your little butt, its the smallest thing I have ever seen)

I just ordered a digital camera because I cant get through the most amazing time of my life without documenting it. Even now I go through your pictures over and over again, because I can already see your little personality in your newborn photos, and it matches the faces you make and the little independent human you are going to become.

So enough for now. I will tell you more about the delivery and the hospital on my next post. All my love (you are the love of my life)
your mommy